Life at Sea (Repost)

Not sure who authored this originally, but it’s truly a classic.

Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy

  1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
  2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don’t really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
  3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
  4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ex. plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
  5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
  6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
  7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
  8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
  9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
  10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
  11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your rackmate’s socks.
  12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
  13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
  14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
  15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting “fire, fire, fire” and then restore power.
  16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a ‘black water system’ boo-boo.
  17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
  18. Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
  19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
  20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
  21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
  22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
  23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don’t speak right.
  24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
  25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
  26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
  27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
  28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
  29. Remind yourself every day: ‘it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure!’
  30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the distilling plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake — if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn’t ignite it, add more kerosene.
  31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
  32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car’s radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating “DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE” while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
  33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.
  34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.
  35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.
  36. Clean your house ’till there’s absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
  37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, “deceptive lighting.”
  38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, “friendship lights.”

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To all the kids who survived the 1930′s, 40′s, 50′s, & 60′s

Copied via email from a friend…

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

Kool-Aid Man
Image via Wikipedia

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren’t overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing…

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have PlayStations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

michel_bb_gun
Image by Abraxas3d via Flickr

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

The quote of the month by Jay Leno:

“With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

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Close your eyes and use your imagination…

Garrison Keillor and cast members of A Prairie...
Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been a fan of radio shows for years, dating back to when I was introduced to them by a friend in high school. If I remember correctly, Sean introduced me to “The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy” first, then series like “Now Nordine“, “The Cabinet of Doctor Fritz”, and “A Prairie Home Companion.”

It was just incredible to turn out the lights, climb into bed, close my eyes and get lost in the sounds and characters from these stories and performances.  One of my favorites was Jack Flanders.  The background sounds in this series were recorded live in the locations they described.  You can hear and feel just like you were standing right there with the characters as the events happen.

The ZBS Foundation, who produces the Jack Flanders series, describes it this way; “Jack Flanders is an adventurer. He not only travels to different countries in search of knowledge, he also steps into other dimensions to solve strange metaphysical puzzles. All of Jack’s stories have a lightness and humor, as well as some wonderful little wisdoms scattered throughout.

“Jack Flanders’ adventures are often set in locations where we traveled to record the sounds; Brazil, the Amazon, India, Bali, Java, Sumatra, Belize, Costa Rica, Morocco, Montreal and New Orleans.”

There are a number of Jack Flanders’ adventures:

All I can really add is that it is truly amazing how these stories can entertain and spur the imagination.  Movies and TV can accomplish much, but your imagination can do so much more…

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